Your weiner here,

....Just a few things I thought we should talk about as it seems we never really get any one on one time anymore. No, I dont really think the shower counts actually... and for the love of god, "dry rub" is a cooking term, Not a "how to" on dealing with me in the morning. Really, chaffing is just cruel, stop that.
....Seriously, we have more important things to discuss... like the state of your life. I know, you think you can run it better than something like me could - Yeah, how's that going for you? right... so listen up. I'm running the show from here on out. I know you think I've been running the show what with all the ladies always saying you think with me and not with your brain but if that were the case, you wouldn't cower in apologetic agreement every time the 'think with me / not with your brain' theory was thrown at you.
......Shut up. yes, you do.
....What I dont understand is why you dont embrace it. No.. not with your hands, I'm not talking about me right now... god'damn you're dense. For someone who always gets blamed for having a one track mind, YOU my friend, have the one track mind. No, what I mean is the phrase and what it means. This "mind" thing you humans were unfairly graced with? you know those? they were bestowed the amazing ability to think abstractly. As in "think with your weiner" need not always be about sex. I know, I know... that's historically what the phrase has referred to, you've studied your pop culture well. But are you following me here? great. we're going to give it another meaning.
....Wait, why am I becoming engor... Son Of A .... see??? that's what I'm talking about. Yes, I see you've spotted that ladies' breasts.. very good. What's funny is, I'm pretty sure you've seen them before. MmHmm. Yep. Lotsa ladies have them. Your mom had them even. They were your lifeline to nourishment for years. There ya go... release ... the .... excellent. let's continue.
....Let's start thinking of me, your loveable weiner and friend, as your drive. Ok, now you're trying hard to think of dirty joke involving the word "drive" aren't you? It's ok.... think away. Are you done? super.
....For too long now, everyone's thought of me as emblematic of your Id, the spoiled little baby inside you, constantly seeking only my own satisfaction. Freud wasn't a fool, there's some truth to that. But ohh, the times they are a'changin'... I needn't be just your sex drive or Poon-dar (trademark pending). I can be so much more! I can... you're still giggling about poon-dar, aren't you? It's ok... it's pretty clever, I know. Ok, SNAP snap! pay attention! Good. Like I was saying... I should now be known as... your drive... and your Ego. Grrr... Nooo... not L'eggo my Eggo stupid, Ego. I swear, how did you ever get out of high school?? The Ego, that part of the personality which maintains a balance between our impulses (id) and our conscience (superego). But more than just Ego, an Ego with drive! An Ego that gets shit done. An ego that yeah those are nice leg... Oh for the love of god. Seriously. I'm warning you.
....Let me be your self confidence. Let me be your machismo - fighting the battles you know you'll win, scaring people into thinking you'd win the ones you wouldn't. I, your weiner, can act as the firm handshake to the outstretched palm of your future employer. I can seal the deal on the tipsy midnight girl at the bar. The good looking one, even. Please, let me slap people in the face when they dont listen to you. I am your bodyguard that would laugh at people who need bodyguards. I am the Tyler Durden you never could be without me.
....It's impossible to know the benefits I, your weiner, can bring you, so in closing, please grow a pair - I could use the company. Once you do, I wont have to shoulder the entire burden of your oh so troubled life and you'll be able to help me a little with this 'getting what you want' thing. And ladies, dont pretend like I'm just talkin' to the guys... you all have one of me too, it's just inverted, tiny, almost impossible for most men to find and should probably be worshipped like a golden calf for all the power it commands.
....Ok, ok... I know... I got ya thinkin' about g-spots. fine.
engorge away.

Sincerely,
...Your Weiner

ps. I've been informed that this letter from me, your weiner, to you, random person... makes no sense. To this I say, piss off for correcting me and.... I completely agree. And that I reserve the right to not make sense. I am, after all, your weiner. Think about it. No, "it" does not mean your weiner, in this case. "it" means the logic of not making sense. Grr, fine. this didn't really explain anything, did it? But it's in red! Red text always makes things better!